My Political Speculation For The Day...

If "Pro" is the opposite of "Con" -

Then isnt Congress the opposite of Progress?


OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?!?

Owen Wilson - Internet Stalker

So i logged on to my instant messenging application recently, and noticed that I had a new buddy available. The name of the buddy - AskDupree. With a picture of Owen Wilson as the buddy icon. What ensued was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. I was tech-raped by Owen Wilson. I should have never introduced myself.

The following is an actual transcript.

[21:58] Leadfoot7000: hi
[21:58] askdupree: :-)
[21:59] Leadfoot7000: already i can see this is going to be a cheery conversation.
[21:59] askdupree: So, like check out my web site.
[21:59] Leadfoot7000: You have a website?
[21:59] askdupree: If you're tense or wound up - try singing a little song before bedtime.
Or type games.
[21:59] Leadfoot7000: If by singing you mean smoking PCP, then yes, ill try.
[21:59] askdupree: Keep your eye on the prize.
[22:00] Leadfoot7000: The PCP?
[22:00] askdupree: Stay nimble. Type games.
[22:00] Leadfoot7000: Answer me dammit.
[22:00] askdupree: If there's one thing I know it's loving and losing. But, you never really lose until you stop fighting.
[22:00] Leadfoot7000: I'll fight you, you rat pricked bastard.
[22:00] askdupree: That's unnecessary. Your sick. Sick. >:o
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: Damn right.
[22:01] askdupree: So unnecessary.
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: You're unnecessary.
[22:01] askdupree: I'm just here to give you a few tips.
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: I'll give you a tip.
[22:01] askdupree: OK, if you, you know, "opt-in" I'll send you a couple of tips via AIM every day for a while in July. Do you want to opt-in? Y = Yes N = No
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: Of fucking course i dont.
[22:01] askdupree: Man, you need to select either Yes or No.
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: No. Happy?
[22:01] askdupree: OK, NP. You won't get any of my tips. You can come back any time and opt-in.
Why not play some games. It's OK.
[22:02] Leadfoot7000: I think I'm being offered virtual ass.
[22:02] askdupree: =-O
[22:03] Leadfoot7000: What are you wearing?
[22:03] askdupree: Look, if you're attacked, go limp and play dead. That's what I did and it probably saved my life.
[22:03] Leadfoot7000: I'm limp now. It's your job to fix the damn problem.
[22:03] askdupree: Yes.
[22:04] Leadfoot7000: Good. We agree. Get to it.
[22:04] askdupree: Catch and release...always honor the fish
[22:04] Leadfoot7000: Are you gonna cyber-rape me or not?
[22:04] askdupree: OK, OK. Use the buddy system. I'll be your buddy. Type tips.
[22:04] Leadfoot7000: Oh, sweet, a threesome.
[22:04] askdupree: Develop your -ness...it's a way of life, a philosophy, a verb. It's your name with -ness attached to it. Your leadfoot7000 -ness.
[22:05] Leadfoot7000: I hate you Dupree.

What a tease.

Thanks for using the Pay Toilet.
Like a true mathematician, you've worked it out with a pencil.

- Johnny Stee

I've been Tagged!!!

Evidently the chucklers over at my friends' blogs have been passing this little gem around. The rules are as follows:

"The Rules : Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own re: 6 weird things, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog."

So here's my 6:

1. I consider Telly Savalas one of my personal heroes.

2. Upon close inspection, my balloon knot reveals a miniature road map of upstate New York.

3. My father is a Lutheran minister, yet really seems to enjoy a good Puerto Rican joke.

Specifically - Q: What did Jesus say to the Puerto Ricans before he left the earth?
A: "Don't do anything until i get back."

4. I don't believe that the Jews were responsible for the death of my Lord, but i still don't like them.

5. I once ate an entire crave case of White Castle sliders on a bet. (read: 30 tiny burgers)

6. Two Words: Bitchin' Monacle.


And, since all the people i know who blog have already been tagged, i guess it stops here.

Here's lookin up yer old address.

-Johnny Stee

A Cougar on the Prowl

Ladies and Gentlemen - I am proud to announce that I am finally dead. How am I dead and still writing this blog, you ask?

I was stalked and killed by an Urban Cougar.

For the uneducated, here's a short definition of an Urban Cougar.

URBAN COUGAR (n) : An older woman, typically early thirties to mid-forties, who has abandoned traditional rules of romantic engagement and taken as her mission the seduction of as many game young men as she can possibly handle.

Best. Night. Ever.

One can also spot an Urban Cougar in the wild by looking for these telltale markings.

- Push-up Bra
- Preference for Track Lighting
- Late model Audi or BMW
- Eagerness to discuss the album "Pyromania"
- White Zinfandel

To all you young men out there my age, do yourself a favor and find a cougar IMMEDIATELY. To all the cougars out there, I'm an easy kill.

Thanks for visiting the Pay Toilet.
I hope everything came out alright.

- Johnny Stee

My Top Ten Favorite Euphemisms for Masturbation

10 - Spanking it.

9 - Five and Diming it.

8 - Rubbing one out.

7 - Whipping up a batch.

6 - Punching the Clown.

5 - Going a few rounds with Johnny One-Eye, the Bald-Headed champion.

4 - Pulling it.

3 - Firing off a few rounds.

2 - Buttonmashing.

1 - Having a frank discussion of ideals with Arch-Bishop Desmond Tutu.

Great Names for a Band or Things I May Have Tried To Put My Johnson Into

- Rabid Animal

- Death Jester

- The Flaming Skulls

- Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass

- A Microwaved Cantaloupe

Tim White is a Cheap Bastard

For those of you outside of the Cleveland area, Tim White is a co-anchor of our local NBC affiliate WKYC. Now I'm just guessing here, but i would assume Tim White makes a pretty good living for himself, being a local celebrity and all. I mean, look at the guy -

I myself work as a server at an upscale italian restaurant. I may be a server, but i also make a good living.

The long and the short of it is:

On December 23rd, 2006 - Tim White hands me payment for his meal with a nice smile and says to me with genuine holiday cheer - "I hope you have a very merry christmas."

Tim White left me a 3 dollar tip on a 65 dollar check.

Fuck you, Tim White.

Based on this happening alone, it is clear to me that there is only one possible reason for his actions.

Tim White is Hitler.