My Own Venn Diagram

In response to Boobs Radley's rampant running amuckage of Venn diagrams and set theory, i decide to post my own.

Surely You're Crazy

And now, for your dumping pleasure, my esteemed colleague The Cap'n offers up a guest blog just for you:

Who the fuck do you even think you are? Assbag. Look here's the deal, I'm way sick of assjerks talking all sorts of shit. So I have a new policy of random curse dispersal. How does it work? Good question fuckbeans. Basically I'm gonna walk around spewing swears, slurs and racial epithets at random. If you get hit, sorry tardnuts, maybe you shouldn't have been such an arrogant prick. Walking around, thinking you're so sweet. I've got news for you, you can get busy on these nuts. Which brings me to my other new policy: nut business. That's where I inform anyone who's listening that I don't mind them getting real busy on my balls. My balls are just hanging around all day while I'm at work, waiting for some assfaced jerk, who thinks he/she knows something, to stop posturing and just get down on their knees and work my nuggets in a counter clockwise direction. Starting with... you. Ya bastich. You think you're better than me? I'm the fuckin' Cap'n. I've got a chip on my shoulder half as big as my dick and it's making it hard to walk. So I'm spreading the love. Come get some bitches, the Cap'n always makes it fuckin' happen.

I'm cancelling my DSL subscription as we speak.

Now, as a young, tech-oriented man, i've had the pleasure of roaming all over the internet, stumbling onto some horribly perverted things. I thought I had seen absolutely everything there is to see.

Until today.

I recieved an email from a friend which directed me to a site that sells colon cleansing products. Now, colon cleansing is a hot topic nowadays, so i thought nothing of it. There were even customer testimonials, leading me to believe that the product worked well. What i did not expect, however, were PICTURES OF THE CUSTOMERS' RIDICULOUS COLON DISCHARGE.

Seriously, half of these things look like the customers had pooped out their ACTUAL COLON.

Along with the pictures that have since made me go on a Kate Moss vomit spree, the testimonials are hilarious.

Paul from Australia writes:

"I tried the colon cleansing kit for 8 days ... End of day 2 was like large sausages being discharged and every day after that, gradually reducing in size by the eighth day."

Susan from Hawaii says:

"Aloha! First of all, I must say it feels a bit weird to be sending pics of my poo to complete strangers...but all in the name of good sportsmanship! It felt even stranger to TAKE pics of my poo..."

And finally, a woman known only as "Mary" lauds the products ultra-healing capabilities

"Your company is the only one that I know of that has such wonderful customer service and quality products. I've also suffered from adult acne for ten years and it has cleared up by 50% in three days. The knot in my forearm that was the size of a Garbanzo bean is now the size of a pea!"

The purveyors of this product also describe the discharge that will be suddenly released as "an accumulation that can have the consistency of TRUCK TIRE RUBBER. It's that hard and black."


Wish me luck, I'm on day 3 of the cleansing, and am currently in negotiations with Freightliner®.


Here's to driving down my street and up yours.

-Johnny Stee

My Political Speculation For The Day...

If "Pro" is the opposite of "Con" -

Then isnt Congress the opposite of Progress?


OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?!?

Owen Wilson - Internet Stalker

So i logged on to my instant messenging application recently, and noticed that I had a new buddy available. The name of the buddy - AskDupree. With a picture of Owen Wilson as the buddy icon. What ensued was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. I was tech-raped by Owen Wilson. I should have never introduced myself.

The following is an actual transcript.

[21:58] Leadfoot7000: hi
[21:58] askdupree: :-)
[21:59] Leadfoot7000: already i can see this is going to be a cheery conversation.
[21:59] askdupree: So, like check out my web site.
[21:59] Leadfoot7000: You have a website?
[21:59] askdupree: If you're tense or wound up - try singing a little song before bedtime.
Or type games.
[21:59] Leadfoot7000: If by singing you mean smoking PCP, then yes, ill try.
[21:59] askdupree: Keep your eye on the prize.
[22:00] Leadfoot7000: The PCP?
[22:00] askdupree: Stay nimble. Type games.
[22:00] Leadfoot7000: Answer me dammit.
[22:00] askdupree: If there's one thing I know it's loving and losing. But, you never really lose until you stop fighting.
[22:00] Leadfoot7000: I'll fight you, you rat pricked bastard.
[22:00] askdupree: That's unnecessary. Your sick. Sick. >:o
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: Damn right.
[22:01] askdupree: So unnecessary.
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: You're unnecessary.
[22:01] askdupree: I'm just here to give you a few tips.
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: I'll give you a tip.
[22:01] askdupree: OK, if you, you know, "opt-in" I'll send you a couple of tips via AIM every day for a while in July. Do you want to opt-in? Y = Yes N = No
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: Of fucking course i dont.
[22:01] askdupree: Man, you need to select either Yes or No.
[22:01] Leadfoot7000: No. Happy?
[22:01] askdupree: OK, NP. You won't get any of my tips. You can come back any time and opt-in.
Why not play some games. It's OK.
[22:02] Leadfoot7000: I think I'm being offered virtual ass.
[22:02] askdupree: =-O
[22:03] Leadfoot7000: What are you wearing?
[22:03] askdupree: Look, if you're attacked, go limp and play dead. That's what I did and it probably saved my life.
[22:03] Leadfoot7000: I'm limp now. It's your job to fix the damn problem.
[22:03] askdupree: Yes.
[22:04] Leadfoot7000: Good. We agree. Get to it.
[22:04] askdupree: Catch and release...always honor the fish
[22:04] Leadfoot7000: Are you gonna cyber-rape me or not?
[22:04] askdupree: OK, OK. Use the buddy system. I'll be your buddy. Type tips.
[22:04] Leadfoot7000: Oh, sweet, a threesome.
[22:04] askdupree: Develop your -ness...it's a way of life, a philosophy, a verb. It's your name with -ness attached to it. Your leadfoot7000 -ness.
[22:05] Leadfoot7000: I hate you Dupree.

What a tease.

Thanks for using the Pay Toilet.
Like a true mathematician, you've worked it out with a pencil.

- Johnny Stee

I've been Tagged!!!

Evidently the chucklers over at my friends' blogs have been passing this little gem around. The rules are as follows:

"The Rules : Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own re: 6 weird things, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog."

So here's my 6:

1. I consider Telly Savalas one of my personal heroes.

2. Upon close inspection, my balloon knot reveals a miniature road map of upstate New York.

3. My father is a Lutheran minister, yet really seems to enjoy a good Puerto Rican joke.

Specifically - Q: What did Jesus say to the Puerto Ricans before he left the earth?
A: "Don't do anything until i get back."

4. I don't believe that the Jews were responsible for the death of my Lord, but i still don't like them.

5. I once ate an entire crave case of White Castle sliders on a bet. (read: 30 tiny burgers)

6. Two Words: Bitchin' Monacle.


And, since all the people i know who blog have already been tagged, i guess it stops here.

Here's lookin up yer old address.

-Johnny Stee

A Cougar on the Prowl

Ladies and Gentlemen - I am proud to announce that I am finally dead. How am I dead and still writing this blog, you ask?

I was stalked and killed by an Urban Cougar.

For the uneducated, here's a short definition of an Urban Cougar.

URBAN COUGAR (n) : An older woman, typically early thirties to mid-forties, who has abandoned traditional rules of romantic engagement and taken as her mission the seduction of as many game young men as she can possibly handle.

Best. Night. Ever.

One can also spot an Urban Cougar in the wild by looking for these telltale markings.

- Push-up Bra
- Preference for Track Lighting
- Late model Audi or BMW
- Eagerness to discuss the album "Pyromania"
- White Zinfandel

To all you young men out there my age, do yourself a favor and find a cougar IMMEDIATELY. To all the cougars out there, I'm an easy kill.

Thanks for visiting the Pay Toilet.
I hope everything came out alright.

- Johnny Stee